Dear Pastor’s Wife,
Church is for you too.
You do so much for the church. You serve in the nursery and provide meals when someone just had a baby. You hold down the fort at home while your husband attends meetings or goes on retreats. You serve the church in many ways, both seen or unseen. To be clear, this is how we’re called to serve the church, not because we’re married to the pastor, but because we’re members of the Body of Christ. Every church member should serve the church in such ways.
But often, as the pastor’s wife, we can fall into a trap of wrongful thinking in regards to serving the church. We think it falls solely on our shoulders, and we should never be on the receiving end of that serving. In a tough season, I learned this is simply not true.
From May 2023 to August 2024, I had four consecutive miscarriages. This was difficult in every way, both physically and emotionally. I remember telling our women’s ministry leadership team I could barely put one foot in front of the other. Do you know how they responded? They didn’t say, “Well, you’re the pastor’s wife and women’s ministry leader, so get your act together.” Instead, they did quite the opposite. They offered to step in and take over in areas where I simply couldn’t. Even more so, the church as a whole loved us so well. While I recovered from surgeries, meals and gift cards flowed through our home. Friends picked up our kids from school. We were covered in prayer and encouraged in Christ.
At first, I felt guilty about all this. I thought I should be the one doing this for all these people, and in another season, I should be. But, in this particular season, I couldn’t be. I was the one in need. I wanted to say “no” when people offered things such as meals, but the Lord kept nudging me to give those sweet people a “yes.”
So, pastor’s wife, the church is for you too. Love and serve your church well. But also, allow them to love and serve you well too. This may require you to be vulnerable. It’s okay for you not to be okay. This doesn’t mean we don’t exercise wisdom and discernment in relationships, and we don’t have to air out all our struggles in a church newsletter. But, it’s also good for you to have genuine friendships in your church. In small groups, it’s good for you to share struggles, fears, and hardships. Our church can’t know we need help unless we open up to them that we do. Then, when those dear church members offer help, encouragement, or prayer, take them up on it. They’re offering because they love you and want to serve your family. You’re not less-than if you recognize your limits and allow others to come alongside you, whether it’s in joyful, difficult or simply mundane, typical life seasons.
When they serve you, instead of feeling guilt, rejoice. Rejoice that the Lord has given us the gift of his body to bear our burdens, rejoice with us when we rejoice, and mourn with us when we mourn. Also rejoice in knowing your limits are good. Our limits remind us God is God and we’re not. Only God is limitless, and he never requires us to be.
I praise God for his church. It’s truly a gift, and I’m not sure how people function without one, especially in difficult seasons. Our church family loves our whole family so well, including me as a pastor’s wife. It’s a joy to serve them, and I’m grateful for all the ways they serve me. Allow your church to do the same for you, friend.
Love, a pastor’s wife who learned this the hard way
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