I cringe when I reflect on newlywed me. I was clueless about cooking, meal planning, taking care of a house, etc. To be honest, my attitude toward these things was selfish. Almost 13 years in, and I’ve apologized to my husband a million times over this. He’s gracious, though, and his graciousness is a reminder to be gracious with myself. So, here’s a few things I’d tell my newlywed self, and even some things I’m continuing to remind myself of as I grow in being the wife God has called me to be:
Being a wife is a learning process. I didn’t say “I do,” and immediately figure out how to be a wife. Learning how to cook, meal plan, and care for a house takes practice, time, and trial and error. By God’s grace, he’s given me wisdom in this, while I also realize I still have much to learn. I’m a better meal planner now than I was 13 years ago, but God also continually reminds me my worth and identity aren’t found in these things.
I’m called to steward well the home and grocery budget God provides, but my standing before him is the same now that I meal plan just as it was when I guessed about what was for dinner. I’ll never “arrive” at being a godly wife, mom, or person. Instead of beating myself up as I look back on newlywed me, this reflection should stir gratitude to God for the fact that I’m different now than I was then. Ultimately, the difference I’m grateful for isn’t that I was unable to cook but now I can, but it’s the heart change God has done in me in regards to these things.
I used to think biblical womanhood was about outward things (i.e., a clean house, cooking). Along the way, God has taught me that being a godly woman isn’t about my ability to meal plan and clean my house. It’s more about my attitude and heart. If I plan the best meals, but do so with a bitter heart, then I actually haven’t glorified God at all. If my house is spotless, but it fills my heart with pride, then God isn’t honored in that. On the flip side, though, I do want to honor God in and with the home he’s given me (and all that entails). Therefore, if I’m lazy in my home, not stewarding my time, money, or resources well, that isn’t honoring God either.
It’s only by the grace of Jesus that both our attitudes and actions can glorify him. When left to my own devices, I’m guilty of pridefully meal planning, lazily ignoring the mess, or bitterly not serving at all. Over the years, Jesus has given me eyes to see that my home and the people in them are gifts. He’s helped me realize that sweeping crumbs, making dinner, and doing another run to the grocery store has eternal value. By his grace, he helps me fight the temptation of bitterness, selfishness, and pride that creeps in when I’m tempted to have actions or attitudes that don’t glorify the Lord.
I can look back on newlywed me and give myself grace, because Jesus gives me grace. I can look at my current self with grace as well, with a right understanding that any amount of good I do or say is 100% because of Jesus. I praise Jesus that I’m not the same wife I was 13 years ago, because he’s grown me and changed me for his glory. Instead of cringing, I can look back with a grateful heart that he’s been patient to sanctify me, even on my worst days. I’m sure that in another 13 years, there will be things from this season I’m tempted to look back on with cringe. I trust that Jesus will keep working with me so that I’m more like him in 13 years than I am today. He’s a good and patient Father with us, and I’m so undeserving, but also so grateful.
Friends, give past you the same grace that Jesus gives you. Your identity isn’t in how well you can be a wife or mom (or in being those things at all), but it’s rooted in Christ and what he’s done for us on the cross. Keep faithfully following Jesus, and trust that he’s working on you day by day to grow you into the person he wants you to be.
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