This blog started many years ago as a place to process/share all God taught me through the death of my mom. Fast forward to now, & he’s still teaching me much about grief from not only that, but multiple miscarriages. I did a series of reels on grief on Instagram & Facebook, but here’s all the captions in one place.
Intro
Grief isn’t the most fun thing to talk about. In fact, depending on our experience, it may not be talked about at all. Grief is expected the week of a funeral, or the moment right after a loss, but what about 10 years later when you’re walking through your old high school football stadium & it hits you again? What about when you come out of the fog of grief, life begins to feel “normal” again, but then you feel guilty about that?Unfortunately, grief is something we’ll all experience at some point. We live in a fallen world, & it’s inevitable on this side of eternity. So, let’s talk about it. Join me over the next few weeks on Mondays as we discuss grief. To be clear, I’m no expert or counselor (a Biblical counselor may be good & necessary for you; that’s okay!). My heart is to share from my own losses & experiences, & what the Lord has taught me about grief through that.
My Story
Grief has been a major part of my life since August 2012. About a year & a half earlier, my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. In the midst of my senior year at college + wedding planning, my world was turned upside down. I guess you might say my grief began earlier than her death, as many events of that year didn’t look how I expected. My mom met Jesus on August 2, 2012. I was 22 years old, just 4 days shy of our 1st wedding anniversary. I missed her daily as I’ve navigated motherhood, marriage, & simply, daily life, without her.
Fast forward to 2023, & grief hit in a new way. We rejoiced at 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test in April, only to be in tears a few weeks later as we miscarried. Just as we were coming out of that fog, the same thing happened in August. The odd thing about these miscarriages were they happened at times when the grief of my mom is very present- her birthday/Mother’s Day in May & the day of her death in August. Surely this wouldn’t happen a 3rd time, especially not in a row? Much to our disappointment, it did. 2024 began with the loss of another baby in early pregnancy, but this time, I required surgery.
I share what I’ve walked through so that you can know where I’m coming from in the next few weeks. I’ll never tell you, “I know what you’re going through,” even if you’ve lost your mom and/or miscarried. That’s one thing I’ve learned- no one ever really knows what anyone is going through. Every grief, situation, & person is unique.
God has redeemed my story for his glory, though, which is why I do what I do in this space.
Grief is Normal
Grief is normal. Maybe this an obvious statement; however, I’d be willing to bet most of us have grieved & worried if that’s okay. Or, grief hits, & it completely surprises us. After our 3rd early pregnancy loss/my surgery, I continued to be surprised that I wasn’t “myself” just weeks later. Of course I wasn’t! Not only was my body recovering, but I again was grieving such a loss for the 3rd time in less than a year.
Grief comes in many shapes & forms. Any time we experience a loss, we’ll grieve, & that’s normal. Grief may be due to the loss of a loved one, dream, relationship, expectations, & more. Grief is okay. It’s not sinful.
Another reason grief is normal is that it’s universal. We live in a fallen world, & none are exempt from trial or loss. The sad truth is, we’ll all experience grief in some way on this side of eternity. Jesus promises we’ll have trouble in this world, but he also promises he’s overcome this world, which is why we can grieve with hope (John 16:33). Praise God, though, that we have a Savior who became flesh & dwelt among us (John 1) & who’s our Great High Priest who has endured every form of suffering; therefore, we can go to him in our time of need (Heb 4:14-16).
Don’t feel guilty about your grief. Instead, take your grief to your Savior who understands. Allow those painful moments not to lead you to guilt or condemnation, but to Christ, who will be your comfort & meet you with grace & mercy.
Grief is a Journey
Here’s the thing I’m still trying to be okay with about grief- it’s always going to be a part of my life. I want it to be linear & be more like a checklist. I think, “I’ve dealt with the anger of my grief. Check. On to the next thing,” but often, it just doesn’t work like that. Instead, grief is more of a journey. It’s not stages nor a checklist to “get through”.
Early in the grief journey, the loss will be very raw, new, & prevalent. It’s true that time will ease the pain in some ways, but it’s also true that as seasons change, grief may hit in a fresh way. The grief of my mom doesn’t feel as sharp as it did in the days right after her death, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still wrestle with that grief as new stages of life come.
Grief is a journey. Some days, I can count it all joy as James commands in James 1:2-4. Other days, I struggle to obey this command in my grief. There are moments where I can praise God for my affliction (Ps. 119:71), but others where I beg him to help me do that & trust him. We can’t rush our grief away or control the moments that it hits. What we can do, though, is allow our grief to turn our hearts toward Christ. Instead of suppressing it, we can lament like David in the Psalms & use it to strengthen our communion with God in prayer.
Grief is Weird & Unique
There are difficult days you’d expect to be difficult such as the anniversary of my mom’s death, & due dates with the miscarriages. But then, there are moments grief hits & takes me by surprise. There was the time when toddler Hunter refused to wear jeans & I cried, because I couldn’t call my mom to ask her how she handled this same situation with me. There was when I got on the floor to wrap Christmas presents, & I remembered I should be fast-approaching my due date, & unable to get up & down from the floor so easily.
There are numerous stories like these because of grief. Days that were completely normal until all of the sudden, they weren’t. & so all of this to say, if your grief is weird, that’s okay. If one second you’re fine, but then the next second you’re in tears because of something as random as buying Impact Weekend snacks, you’re not alone in that.
Even those days I expect to be hard feel weird, because honestly, I’m not sure what to do with them. These days feel very monumental to me, but yet, the rest of life moves at its normal, chaotic speed. Another unique thing is everyone handles grief & such days differently, & that’s okay too. I usually grieve with ice cream because it reminds me of my mom, but you may grieve at a grave site, prefer to have a normal day, or something completely different.
I praise God that though grief is weird & takes me by surprise, it never surprises him. His presence is constant & sustaining, in every up & down moment of grief!
Grieve with Hope (Part 1)
Grief isn’t sinful; yet, Scripture tells us there’s a specific way we’re not to grieve, & that’s, “as others do who have no hope” (1 Thess. 4:13). The truth is, even in our grief, we’re called to glorify the Lord. The Lord has taught me a lot over this past year over the implications of this, so this will be split into 2 parts.
First, we grieve deaths with hope because of the promise that those in Christ are now with him & that if we too are in Christ, this is our future as well. We grieve other losses with hope because we know that, “The sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” (Rom 8:18).
Here’s how I think about this: My mom is with Jesus. She loved me deeply, but she loved Jesus more (as she should). I have to believe that being face to face with Jesus is so wonderful, that my mom wouldn’t come back to this fallen world, even if she could. Even the highest of highs on this earth, such as the birth/adoption of my kids, the boys’ baptisms, beach trips, & more, pale in comparison with being with Christ. The same goes for my sweet babies in Heaven. I long to know what their earthly lives would’ve been like, but they’re with Jesus, & that’s far better than being in this fallen world.
Grieve with Hope (Part 2)
We also grieve with hope by obeying the full counsel of Scripture. One implication for me is to fight to, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,” (James 1:2) as a medical bill comes in. It’s been to trust that Christ is enough & has supplied all of my needs for motherhood (Phil. 4:19), though I desperately wish my mom were here. As harsh as it may sound, I must not need my mom in this season, because Christ didn’t supply her. I have Christ, & he’s sufficient. I could go on with examples, but in short, grief doesn’t negate any command in Scripture. We have Christ, our merciful & faithful High Priest we can boldly approach in our time of need & receive mercy & grace (Heb. 4:14-16). By his Spirit, we’re enabled to walk in obedience in both joyous & difficult seasons.
Finally, we grieve with hope by speaking theologically correct about grief & suffering. We’ll never be perfect at this, but we should aim to be as faithful as possible to God’s Word, even if a piece of encouragement may sound “nice”. The best thing about Heaven is Jesus is there! My mom wouldn’t come back here if she could; I don’t blame her. Let’s also be careful not to promise things Scripture doesn’t promise (i.e., “You’ll have a rainbow baby!”). Again, it may sound comforting, but Scripture never promises earthly healing. Another thing to be careful with is to not give loved ones who have passed characteristics only God has. My mom was awesome, & so are those babies we lost, but none of them are omnipresent, omniscient, or omnipotent like the Lord is.
I praise God that our grief isn’t wrong. There are moments where I need to sit in my grief & let the tears flow, & that’s ok. I praise God for the hope we have in him. It’s how I’ve continued to put one foot in front of the other in the most difficult seasons 💜.
Coming Alongside Others in Their Grief
I truly don’t know how people go through grief/trial without a church family. I’m forever grateful for those who ministered to us over the years. In Romans 12:15, we’re commanded to weep with those who weep. How do we do that? One post can’t cover that, but here are a few thoughts:
Be present. Show up for people in their grief, & if you don’t have a lot to say, that’s okay. Your presence itself is a gift. With that, be open to them talking (about the grief or something totally different) or for them to sit quietly. Everyone grieves differently, but giving them freedom to do so will be a sweet blessing to them.
Comfort wisely. See last week’s video for more thoughts, but it’s important our comfort is biblical. These are difficult situations, but as someone who’s lived through them, I know there’s nothing anyone can say to truly make it better, & that’s okay! They don’t need you to fix their situation; unfortunately, you can’t. Say, “I’m sorry,” or, “I’m praying for you,” & that’s sufficient.
Offer to help in specific ways. Asking, “How can I help?” is thoughtful, but often, people may not give an answer. Instead, offering things such as meals, help with kids, or whatever needs that may benefit that family may be more likely accepted.
Remember hard days & reach out. Don’t fear that your text may remind them of their grief. They’re more than likely thinking about it anyway. If the Lord has them on your heart, it’s probably for a reason!
In sum, prayer is huge, & remember everyone grieves differently. We won’t come alongside one another perfectly in this, but we can aim to love one another well in our trials 💛.
Conclusion: The Gospel in Grief/Suffering
The Gospel applies to everything, including grief. Here’s how:
Creation (Gen 1-2): There was no grief. Everything was good. Man had perfect unity & fellowship with both God & one another. Grief wasn’t God’s original design.
Fall (Gen 3): Adam & Eve sinned, & everything changed. We’re now all born sinners, in rebellion to God. Our relationship with him is broken (the worst part of the Fall), but also, there’s not a thing in this world not tainted by sin. We experience hardships such as grief, conflict, & simply, difficult days, because we live in a fallen world. Often, our grief isn’t the direct result of a specific sin, but it’s the general result of living in a fallen world.
Redemption: Immediately after the Fall, God promised to send a Seed to crush the serpent (Gen. 3:15). That’s Christ! Christ’s perfect life, death, burial, & resurrection provides the way of reconciliation to God. Christ redeems us from our worst problem, sin, & because of that, he also redeems every part of our stories. It’s this redemption that gives purpose to our sufferings. For me, God redeems grief through drawing me closer to him, teaching me to love his Word, comforting others with the comfort he’s given me, & more.
Restoration: One day, Christ will return & grief will be no more! He’ll restore things to how he intended them to be in Eden (& even beyond that). We’ll see him face to face & no longer wrestle with sin or any affect of the Fall. As Christians, this is the blessed hope we cling to in the face of this fallen world.
I wouldn’t have chosen any of my grief, but I still rejoice in all the Lord has done in the midst of it. He’s good, even when life doesn’t feel good 💛. (Side note: This video doesn’t do justice to the Gospel + suffering. I’ve spoken at a few women’s events on this, & would love to share more with your group/ministry).
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