Dear Young/New Pastor’s Wife

Dear Young/New Pastor’s Wife,

Welcome to ministry life! I want to start with this- it’s a joy, an absolute joy. Unfortunately, you may hear opposite comments in regard to your life as a pastor’s wife. I have. Such comments break my heart, because despite the hardships and unique challenges, ministry life is a privilege and joy. If you search “role of a pastor’s wife” in the Bible, you won’t find it. I’m no expert, but my husband has been in full-time vocational ministry for 12 years (our entire marriage). We spent almost 11 years in student ministry, and he’s now been a senior pastor for 2 years. I love ministering to pastor wives, so if I may, here are a few things I’d tell my younger pastor wife self:

You get to do this. You’re going to have really hard and discouraging seasons and moments. You’re fallen, your husband is fallen, and you’re ministering to fallen people, all in a fallen world. Difficulty is inevitable. Also, you’re doing a good work for the Lord! Satan doesn’t want that, so spiritual warfare will happen. Despite all that, don’t allow your heart to become bitter. Ministry isn’t a “have to” but a “get to”. We get to serve Jesus and his church. We get to open our homes, build relationships with people, study God’s Word together, and more! When I think about this, I’m amazed that God allows a sinful and ordinary person like me to do such things for his glory. Keep that, “I get to do this” mindset.

Plug into a Sunday school, small group, etc. Every local church will look different with this, but you’ll most likely feel more quickly “at home” in your church if you jump into a Sunday school class or small group. My husband rarely gets to come to Sunday school with me. If that’s you, don’t be afraid to show up and engage. You may possibly be in a situation where there’s no small group with others in your similar season of life. Pray for the Lord to provide that, but in the meantime, still find a group to plug into. We can (and should!) have relationships with others in a different season of life than us. Though we’re married to the pastor, we still need deep and meaningful relationships in our churches. One of the best ways I’ve found to do this is by attending a Sunday school/small group.

Be authentic. You’re a real person, and it’s okay for the church to see that! Use wisdom here, of course, but don’t be afraid to let people in. I’ve let sisters in Christ in on my struggles during and after our miscarriage, parenting woes, and told them genuine ways they could pray for me. I’ve been met with grace, prayers, meals, and encouragement. I’ve also been met with deeper relationships. 

Have other pastor wife friends. On the other hand, there will be situations and struggles that only a fellow pastor’s wife can truly understand. You need friends outside your church, especially with fellow pastor wives. However, be sure these friendships point you to Christ and the joys of ministry. Share burdens and difficulties with one another, but also share joys!

Know your gifts and serve. The Lord has equipped you in a unique way to serve his church (just like every other believer!). If you’re not using these gifts to serve the church, then your church (and you) are missing out! The church hired your husband, not you, but still, you’re a vital part of the body, just like every member. Serve in your church in the same way you hope other members serve.

Jesus sees you. You’ll serve in many ways your church never sees. You’ll stay home with kids so your husband can go on trips, counsel others, and attend meetings. You’ll fly solo many Sunday mornings getting kids ready for church. You’ll listen intently as your husband bounces off sermon illustrations and ideas. Know this- the work you’re doing, including the unseen work, is a vital part of ministry. The world may never see, but that’s okay. Jesus sees.

Be hospitable. In Titus 1:8 and 1 Timothy 3:2,“hospitable” is one of the qualifications for being a pastor. Though “pastor’s wife” isn’t addressed in these lists, I’ve learned that my husband can’t fulfill this qualification without me. Hospitality isn’t about impressing others, but using your home to love others well. It’s about living a life of welcome- inviting others into the life you’re already living. Titus 2:5 exhorts women to have a heart for our homes. You can read more about this specifically here, but we can gather that we must come alongside our husbands in this. If I refuse to open our home, am bitter about using it, or don’t want to join my husband in this work, then he can’t truly obey the Lord in this area. Also, hospitality isn’t just a qualification for pastors, but for all believers (1 Peter 4:9). Therefore, to refuse to practice hospitality is to disobey the Lord. We love having people in our home! It’s a great way to build relationships and disciple others.

Ultimately, friend, be faithful to Jesus. Prioritize his Word. Spend much time in prayer, including prayer for your church, your husband, and other staff members. If you see a need or issue in your church, pray about it. Maybe the Lord will lead you to fulfill that need, or maybe he’ll use someone else. Befriend church members of all ages. Encourage your husband. Love God, and love his Bride, the church. Ministry life is full of challenges, funny stories, blessings, fun times, good food, and joy. May we do it all for the glory of God!